I can say this because I have fat friends.

Should Fatties Get A Room? (Even on TV?) (Marieclaire Online)

This one’ll be a quickie because there’s nothing left for me to say that hasn’t already been said by others. (Seriously. Check out the article. There are 83 pages of comments.) But in case you somehow managed to miss it, you should know that the fashion magazine Marieclaire published the following on its website, about CBS’s sitcom Mike & Molly, which apparently is about a couple who meets at an Over-Eaters Anonymous group:

Yes, I think I’d be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other … because I’d be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I’d find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine (sic) addict slumping in a chair.

Oh God. Did you just say that fat people disgust you simply by walking? And did you just equate obese people with heroin addicts?? Why yes. Yes, you did. But wait! Silly me! My bad! It’s all okay: You have fat friends!!!

Now, don’t go getting the wrong impression: I have a few friends who could be called plump. I’m not some size-ist jerk.

What kind of hideous, clueless person could write such a thing? I’ll tell you who, because I just read her bio, and it all makes more sense now.

Maura Kelly is a freelance writer who is working on a novel.

Of course she is. Who isn’t these days?

She rides her vintage Raleigh as often as possible – usually wearing heels, and always wearing her helmet. (She will not be a fashion victim!)

I don’t even know what a vintage Raleigh is, but I’m going to go ahead, given her Brooklyn address, and guess that it’s some beach cruiser bicycle with a fucking basket on the front. She’s probably one of those bitches out there mowing down the elderly in Prospect Park.

Some of the things she loves: indie rock, peanut butter, Fellini films, the Brooklyn Bridge, running (slowly) in Prospect Park (always wearing New Balance sneakers) and The Brothers Karamazov.

Oh barf.

And definitely her friends, too; her tight circle includes a fashion designer, a hard news journalist, a couple magazine editors, a bike messenger-turned-lawyer, a professor of philosophy and an aspiring screenwriter. 

You forgot the fatties. If your fat friends are the reason why you can blather forth about how much fat people disgust you without it making you some kind of size-ist jerk, then surely they deserve a place in your bio, no?

On her dating resume, there’s an unusual number of visual artists, a couple of jazz musicians, and one guy named Thor. Though she’s in her thirties, she’s never been in love before – and has started to wonder if she ever will be. She’s decided she has to start making dating her job if it’s ever going to happen.

Oh GAWD!!! Now it’s personal! It’s people like you, Maura Kelly, who make people like me, Siobhan O’Brien, look bad. I’m in my 30s. I’m single. But Christalmighty. I read that bio of yours, and *of course* you’re single. You sound positively atrocious. But we’re not all like that! I swear!

Or who knows? Maybe we are. Maybe there are people out there reading this very blog and thinking, “Of course she’s single, all cynically mean and sailor-mouthed.” But that’s a horrifying potential best left for another post, or better yet, another blog. For now, let’s stick with what we know: Maura Kelly is a hideous person, and I’d probably dislike her tremendously if I ever had the misfortune of meeting her. (It’s okay though. She’d probably dislike me, too.)

Anyhow, what was I saying about keeping this short?


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