Fashion Advice: Pants!

I enjoy fashion. I don’t take it seriously, but I enjoy it. I read fashion blogs. I browse online stores. It’s how I unwind. I’ve developed a bit of an eye for what looks good, and it’s occurred to me that in these crazy times, when 60-80 hour work weeks are the norm, leaving so many of us with neither the time nor the energy to shop, it’s really quite selfish of me to keep my keen fashion awareness all to myself. So it is with that prelude that I bring you the the first installment of what I intend to be a regular column aimed at keeping you people in style and on trend, so you don’t embarrass me when we go out together. In this installment, we’ll focus on pants. Pants!

You know what’s cute? Babies are cute! With their cute little bowed out legs and their cute little rounded-out crotches from their cute little diapers full of cute little baby poop! Cute, cute, cute!!! They probably wouldn’t admit it, but I’m sure some of my readers in Brooklyn have had a perfectly pleasant, early evening drink in one of those Park Slope bars full of babies interrupted by nagging feelings of envy. With green eyes full of jealousy, they’ve looked upon the rugrats toddling about the tables and thought, “I could rock that look *so* much better than you, kid!” To those readers I say, “Bring it!” Because now you’ve got the pants to prove it — Kirrily Johnston’s (hilariously named) Track Pants ($330).   

You know what’s cute? Grandpas are cute! With their cute little bowed out legs and their cute little rounded out crotches from their cute little diapers full of … okay, I’ll stop. But I’m sure some of my readers have had a perfectly pleasant, early evening meal at a local diner interrupted by nagging feelings of envy. With green eyes full of jealousy, they’ve looked upon the senior citizens enjoying their blue hair specials and thought … oh never mind. Really Marc Jacobs? Really?? I have news for you: Your  Lightweight Slouchy Jeans ($228) are a slightly more feminine version of what I’d call Grandpa Pants.

Some of us have very specific dreams. We’ve considered them thoroughly over long periods of time. These dreams are unique and often unexpected. As such, I can almost guarantee that somewhere out there, someone has been dreaming with equal emphasis about Richie Sambora circa 1987 and velvety smooth horses and wishing there was a pair of pants that melded the two seamlessly. So I *applaud* the people at Haute Hippie for creating the Drapey Suede Fringe Pants ($695) and making that dream a reality.

Questions? Of course there are questions. Let’s hit The Mail Bag, where you send me your fashion conundrums, and I find a solution!

Conundrum! I’m headed to Santa Fe to visit my grandmother. I’d like my pants to match her couch. Whatever should I do??

Solution! Buy Rag & Bone’s Eleanor Pants ($290), and tell your grandmother I said hi!

Conundrum! I’ve been asked to fight a war in a topography that does not actually exist in nature! I’m askeered!

Solution! Fear not. L.A.M.B.’s Camo Cargo Pants ($275) will keep you hidden from harm!

Conundrum! Tweed or harem pants? Leather or harem pants?? I can’t decide!!!

Solution! Why choose one when you can have both?!?!

If you want to wear too many trends at once while at the office, look no further than L.A.M.B.’s Tweed Harem Pants ($275).

If you want to wear too many trends at once while hitting the town on Saturday night, then pull on Malene Birger’s Chicoree Leather Harem Pants ($840).

So many conundrums, so little time! Sadly, I can’t respond to all your questions, so let’s close with a couple Fashion Hypotheticals to inspire you to solve your own fashion conundrums!

- If you like the droopy butt look so much that you wish you could wear it in front, good news: Rag & Bone’s Oda Pants ($360) will give your crotch that subtle, sophisticated front-butt droop.

Fashion daredevils, meanwhile, might choose Kimberly Ovitz’s Baylor Pants ($345) for that dramatic “My front-butt is so droopy it reaches my knees!” look.

- If you sometimes get confused and think your legs are superheros, then you might consider Kimberly Ovitz’s Willard Wrap Pants. They’re $550, but giving your superhero legs the superhero cape they deserve doesn’t come cheap.

- If you’ve gotten involved with drugs and lost touch with that pesky little thing I call sanity, have I got a pair of pants for you: Nightcap Clothing’s Lace Bell Bottom Pants ($187). According to one buyer, “Forget therapy and online dating – If you’re looking for happiness, you will find it in these pants!” (That’s an actual comment from someone who bought these pants. I mean, seriously. I don’t even have to write this blog anymore; it just goes ahead and writes itself.)

Thanks for reading, fashion victims! Be sure to tune in next time for an important look at some other yet-to-be-determined fashion essential!

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