Two pieces of men’s hair news that people really seem to care an awful lot about.

So, look. Anyone who even just kind of knows me a teeny, tiny little bit knows that I am *totally* not one of these hypocritical assholes who will climb atop my high horse and toss down snotty platitudes about how, you know, whatever: “There are people starving in Africa, yet we’re talking about Lindsey Lohan?!?!” Indeed, to quote one of my very favorite tweets ever:

Actually, it’s possible to be fascinated by Conan/Leno AND concerned about Haiti. [The two are] not actually mutually exclusive. Humans are dynamic.

But I’ve got to tell you: this week’s obsession with mens hair is a little perplexing. I mean, it’s only Tuesday, and we’ve already had two news stories drop that are apparently earth-shattering.

First, Justin Bieber got a haircut!!! Shock!!! Awe!!! But pick that jaw back up off the floor, because I’d like to see it drop back down even harder when you hear what happens next: The initial reports were wrong: He didn’t actually get a haircut!!! He just swept it over to the other side!!! I’d help you out with the appropriate emotion if I could, but I’m really not sure whether you’re supposed to be disappointed or relieved. It’s huge news though: Justin Bieber combed his hair in a different direction. If the world feels different to you right now than it did last week, that’s because it is.

Meanwhile, the streets of New York City are abuzz with rumors that Tom Brady is going bald!!! More shock!!! More awe!!! The New York Daily News responded by abusing football imagery.

The Jets aren’t the only ones after Tom Brady’s scalp. So is Mother Nature. And with no offensive line to protect the New England Patriots quarterback from falling follicles, Brady has reportedly consulted a hair transplant specialist to keep his mane — and his matinee idol image — intact.

Mind you, I’m delighted that all the speculation about the motivation behind Tom Brady’s ridiculous hair-do might have been hilariously off-base: It’s not that Gisele won’t let him cut it. No, instead he’s grooming the most spectacular comb-over in human history! But still. Really? With all that’s happening in the world right now, we can’t find anything better to talk about?? I mean, didn’t any of you people see Kanye West’s completely ridiculous performance during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade?

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