A Brief Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

Ah, Valentines Day. That one day per year when we demonstrate our love for one another by wasting money on throw-away garbage that your beloved will have to tote around with her all day because she lives in New York City, and she doesn’t have a car, and why the hell did you think it would be a good idea to have this crap delivered to my office anyway?? Ugh!!!

But sometimes fulfilling your Valentine’s Day requirements it isn’t as easy as procuring for the woman you love flowers that will die, chocolate that will make her fat, and lingerie that won’t fit. (Public service announcement for the misguided boyfriends of the world: We know you mean well. We know you purchased a size medium because you thought that sounded good: Not too big. Not too small. Medium! Just right! Like the porridge in the tale of that house-invading bitch, Goldilocks. But if the object of your affection is not a size medium, giving her something that’s sized medium is going to make her feel bad. The moral of the story: Find out your girlfriend’s size. Better yet, let her buy her own damn undergarments.)

Anyhow! Yes. Sometimes it isn’t as easy as all that. Some of us have special needs. And for those readers, I’m putting together a gift guide. It’s a short guide for the time being. But we’re still three weeks from the big event, and I have delivered to me nearly every day of my life 137 junk email messages and 17 paper catalogs from an astounding array of online and brick-and-mortar retailers. Each day, my shopping options span the gamut from the unfortunately named Oriental Trading Company to Design Within Reach (of very, very rich people). I’m sure I’ll spot a few more gifts to meet those niche needs I know you, my dedicated readership, have; and I’ll post them here. For now, though, here’s the list as it presently stands:

Niche need #1: You hate the person to whom you have however temporarily pledged your fidelity. If you’re one of these schmucks who’s too weak-willed to end something that’s clearly going nowhere directly and with kindness, you could always do it this way: You could name a Madagascar hissing cockroach after her. That would likely do the trick. Unless, of course, she’s a little psycho and not always adept at taking hints. If that’s the case, you may require the nuclear option: Clever in its name, but barf-inducing in its appearance, the cocoa-roach – yes, a chocolate motherfucking cockroach –  should let the former apple of your eye know that she’s grown rotten at the core. The best part about it: You’ll earn back a few karma points, as your purchase will support the Wildlife Conservation Society!

- It’s a little tough to top that last one, but we’ll do our best to plow ahead. Niche need #2: You’re entirely devoid of creativity yet still concerned that a gift card might be too impersonal. Well I have good news for you: According to the text of the email I received from American Express, you can “complete an unforgettable Valentine’s Day with American Express Gift Cards. Add a sentimental photo or message to your gift card and give that special someone a personal gift to go along with the flowers and chocolates.” Yes, folks: “A personal gift.” Like a gift card with a picture of your penis on it. That’s what women want, right?

Niche need #3: You’re still entirely devoid of creativity, but you realize a gift card — even a personalized one — might not be the right way to go. This one isn’t for the faint of heart (or the low on cash), but you could always ask your beloved to drop a hint. The helpful people at Tiffany & Co. have added this handy new feature to their website:

Yes (high-maintenance) ladies, if you see something you like amongst Tiffany’s various wares, you can now click the Drop A Hint button, and Tiffany will send your (brow-beaten) partner a brief email letting him know that he’d damn well better produce it come Valentine’s Day. My favorite part is the small print: “Of course, if you have other ideas for Valentine’s Day gifts, this is just fine.” Yeah. Sure it is. You can almost hear Tiffany silently pleading, “Dude. We know your girlfriend is a nightmare, but seriously, don’t do it!!! Don’t get her whatever else you had in mind. That will only end badly!!!”  So yeah. If a hint gets dropped, your only choices really are to buy the damn jewelry or order up a “Fuck off and die” cocoa-roach for the Wildlife Conservation Society.

To be continued …

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